Music always had a special place for me. Starting from early days when I was ashamed of listening to music in front of my parents for some reason. Headphones in, volume low, hiding what I was playing like it was contraband. I didn’t know why I was embarrassed. I just knew that whatever I was listening to felt like it was mine, and sharing it would make it less mine.
I always liked music with meaning, even as a child. Not because I was trying to be deep. Because music with meaning was the only kind that made me feel like I existed. It gave me an identity before I knew I needed one.
Green Day
Growing up I listened to Green Day on repeat. Going through puberty in a tier 2 city of India, in a time when no one around me was listening to Green Day, especially not in the high school I was attending. I was the only one. And that was the point.
I liked the rebellious spirit of their music. The message that said I am different, but that doesn’t mean I am abnormal. American Idiot is an anthem of individuality and rebellion. It encourages you to think critically, reject societal pressures, and refuse to follow blindly the ideologies dictated by politicians, corporations, or the media. “I wanna be the minority, down with the moral majority.” Those words found me at exactly the right time.
It helped me find a voice. A voice that said I’m not alone going through frustration, alienation, and defiance against the “culture” I was supposed to be a part of but never felt like mine. The album Dookie and the song Basket Case lived rent free in my head for a very long time. American Idiot with its layers of meaning had a different impact on me while growing up. It didn’t just soundtrack my teenage years. It shaped who I was becoming.
Nirvana
The next part of my life was covered by Nirvana. The grunge sound, unpolished and raw, made me feel like I don’t give a fuck about what others are gonna think of me. I’m gonna do and say what I believe in, because my beliefs are me.
Nirvana dethroned the polished pop and glam rock of the 1980s. Their Nevermind album outsold Michael Jackson’s Dangerous. That’s not a statistic. That’s a cultural earthquake.
If there is one man to this day that I deeply admire and consider a true role model as an artist, despite his issues, it would be Kurt Cobain. He was unfiltered and honest, both in his art and in how he lived. He showed that even as a public figure it’s okay to feel insecure. He was one person. No “social media celebrity life.” He wasn’t performing being a rockstar. He was just Kurt Cobain. Like him or not, he is who he is and he didn’t hesitate to speak about issues that mattered.
I was insecure about how I looked growing up. Making peace with myself and loving who I am was taught to me by these two bands. Green Day told me it’s okay to be different. Nirvana told me it’s okay to not be okay.
The In-Between
I had a run where I listened to different spectrums of metal music. Linkin Park. Eminem. The angry phase. The phase where volume was therapy and screaming along to something meant you didn’t have to scream alone.
Red Hot Chili Peppers
Then my “normal life” changed. I moved out of town. Started living on my own. And with that, my music taste shifted.
Red Hot Chili Peppers. Under the Bridge. I called this song my “national anthem” in 2017/18. I was out of my hometown, fighting loneliness, fighting alienation, and finding solace in a connection to the city I’d landed in. A city that had beautiful buildings. I started doing this thing where I’d make myself feel at home whenever I saw a building I liked. That’s true even today in my current city. A building doesn’t ask you for anything. It’s just there. And sometimes that’s enough to feel like you belong somewhere.
I was heavily inspired by John Frusciante’s art on his guitar. That man is straight up gifted. I studied him and the song so I could play Under the Bridge perfectly on guitar. Learning someone else’s song note by note is a strange form of intimacy. You start to understand not just what they played but why they played it that way.
The Shift
Then came the biggest change in my music taste. For all those years I chose to listen to music from the West. Not as a statement, not to be different. Because that’s where the depth was. Hindi music wasn’t offering what I needed.
Until 2020/21 when I came across an artist named KR$NA. And oh man. I felt like someone was speaking to me in my own language about my hardships and my life and how there’s light at the end of the tunnel. My national anthem changed.
Songs like Dream and Kaha Tak made me feel like he was narrating my life story, and in the same order as the verses flow by. His music style, the complexity, the entendres, made me fall in love with a genre I didn’t know I was waiting for: Desi Hip Hop.
I discovered many artists early on before they blew up and I’m glad I’m part of that culture. A lot of songs, EPs, and albums have impacted my life. I’ll write more about that in coming weeks.
There are moments where music and life sync up so perfectly it doesn’t feel real. Chadhai came on autoplay the exact moment I got the news that I landed the job I really needed and wanted. That felt like no less than a movie scene. The song didn’t know. The algorithm didn’t know. But it played anyway, and for a few seconds everything lined up.
Where I Am Now
Right now I don’t listen to as much lyrical hip-hop. I’m into trap. Yes, I speak Trapnese. I feel like I’ve started to slowly crawl out of my struggling phase. I’m far from home and still here, but I’ve started to enjoy laid back, flex, trappy songs. The Broke Flex era. When you don’t have much but you carry what you have like it’s everything.
I recently discovered an artist named Jaiyash. I love his art. It’s very “western” and he’s making music on the side. For bread and butter he streams and does comedy, but he’s a far better musician than most people realize. I have immense respect for people who do it on the side, like Joji who made it big in the music industry while the world knew him as something else entirely.
Another artist that stole the spot for best song of the year was AFKAP with Waapsi. He’s from India, living far from home to pay his bills, making music in his free time. His EP Parat is a masterpiece. Again, it feels like someone spoke my heart out.
I am not a shy person. I speak my heart out. But I have always felt alone. Hearing someone talk about my issues and struggles makes me feel comfortable. Makes me feel home. And maybe that’s all music has ever been for me. Not a hobby. Not entertainment. Home.